Every Monday we randomly choose one question that has been sent
in during the week and answer it here, in Sexy U's Blog.
Do YOU have a question to do with sex, intimacy or wondering
if something you heard is true? All people have questions - why wonder?!
Send in your question via inbox on the Sexy U Facebook Page and
we just might answer yours!
This week's question is:
So here is a question for you.
My wife still breastfeeds our youngest child and due to that our sex life is pretty much nil.
I try and try to get her in the mood but she's either too tired or not in the mood.
As she has said many times to me you can't turn a burnt light bulb on.
So i am wondering if you have any advice to try and get her in the mood more.
I try to do the best I can to give her space and understand where she is coming from etc.
But due to the lack of sex porn is my best friend LOL.
She knows I watch it but its not the same. Sorry for ranting.
We have gotten into tiffs over this subject many times and it always ends up that
neither of us want to see it from either side.
I don't seem to understand her needs about lack of hormones etc and she doesn't seem to understand my needs.
Thank you for listening.
This is such a common issue and although awful from both sides,
it can be over come. This is definitely not something that will change overnight but over time
it should get better. It isn't something that should be ignored and hope it gets better
though, intimacy is a part of marriage that is important. Without it (as you can see)
it causes frustration - not only on your end, on her end too.
She doesn't WANT to be that way, she's definitely not trying to be
that way either. I'm sure she is just as frustrated on her end because she wishes
she had a sex drive and truly wants a good marriage from all angles too.
I would put money on the fact that I bet she hates not having a sex drive.
I will give some tips but first a bit of a background of WHY (most likely) she
has lost her drive.
There are quite a few reasons it could be but the most common, since she
is breast feeding as you mentioned, is that her hormones ARE out of whack.
While breastfeeding, women produce an abundance of a hormone called prolactin.
Prolactin is what helps the milk come in but unfortunately it kills the sex drive.
There is nothing that can be done about this until she stops breastfeeding, as her levels
will be skyrocketed until then. This is the body's natural defense mechanism
for not becoming pregnant too soon after birth. Sex drive is literally "shut off".
Breast feeding isn't the only thing that produces prolactin though - If you're stressed, you produce the hormone "cortisol" which in turn stimulates the production of prolactin.
Other reasons of course after having children are rarely having the chance
to be alone together, the daily routine of worrying about the kids, getting everything
done and cleaning up the messes, many women are just tired after all of it and just want to sleep.
Parents who co-sleep with their children have the issue even worse.
After having kids many women completely lose their body confidence as well,
no matter how much they are told how beautiful they are and loved if they dont
believe it themselves then it is difficult to have fun in bed or even want to think about it.
Some women get frustrated with the lack of help from the male partner.
This causes resentment and especially with lack of communication (on her part - he can't read her
mind either, right?!) - but once that resentment sets in it's hard to see him as she once did,
it's hard to get sexy with someone that ends up blending in with the children that she has to
clean up after as well.
No matter what the reason is the real problem is ignoring it.
It's a common perception that lack of libido is not a serious issue but the fact remains
that it causes depression, cheating and ruins marriages daily.
There are a few things that you can try to help the situation.
Communication is key here. If there is a reason, you should know what it is. A good marriage revolves around good communication in every aspect. Are you sure there isn't something bothering her? She isn't feeling resentful in any way? (In your case I think you may be stuck until breastfeeding is over but she still needs to know that intimacy is a normal part of a healthy marriage).
If a couple of weeks after breastfeeding is over she still hasn't initiated sex then it may be time to get some blood work done - It may be her Thyroid (common sex drive destroyer which can be helped with meds) or her testosterone may be off still and need a boost. I have had a bout with low sex drive myself in the past and my levels were way low. The doctor fixed me up there.
She needs to realize that she cant ignore this. If she pushes it to the side and hopes you will stop asking for it the problem will only worsen. In time you will end up resenting her and other issues will arise. She needs to get in touch with her sexuality again by doing something that makes her feel sexy. Taking care of the kids doesn't make her feel that way. Cleaning the house doesn't make her feel that way either. She needs to go out - alone or alone with you and get a hot new outfit, she needs to get in touch with herself as a woman, not just a mother.If going to the gym a couple of times a week will make her feel sexier and better about herself it will help! Hearing it from you isn't enough - it's something she needs to work on in her own mind.
For the most part, the important things need to be done from her end. Without her understanding how important this issue actually is, nothing will help the matter and the issue will stay the same as you get more and more frustrated and other things start to bother you.
The only things that you can really do is wait until she is ready and encourage her (without being pushy) to try to help her feel sexy herself. Dont try to get her in the mood - she isnt going to that way. The root of the issue needs to be discovered and helped.
There are a couple of herbal supplements that naturopaths use to induce a sex drive. It doesn't work for 100% of women but it is worth a try. Black Cohosh is believed to mimic sex hormones and encourage blood flow to the pelvic area, while Angelica Root is thought to be the female equivalent of the male aphrodisiac ginsing. Do check first about taking these supplements while breast feeding though - as some remedies & herbs must wait until after she is done nursing.
Try to help out around the house and with the kids as much as possible - even if you just got off of a 10 hour shift. And listen. If she has little pet peeves, if she tells you to stop doing little annoyances but you keep doing them - that's not helping at all.
After children (often times even just after time) romance often takes a back burner (even though it shouldn't!) and the husband and wife resembles not much more than friends. Always try to keep the romance alive by little things such as "I Love You" sticky notes or flowers. Scavenger hunts to her favourite box of chocolates - anything and often. The little things add up and do help a lot. Little things that have nothing to do with sex I should say.
Until her hormones are back in order, or when the root of the issue has been discovered and worked on there is nothing wrong with watching some porn and getting yourself off - It's got to get done somehow.
No, it isn't the same but it will have to do until then.
There are also many male masturbators on the market that give other sensations, different than the same old hand, I sell them to many men daily that are going through the same issues.
When she does get in the mood though - or at least agree to help you out with a little loving, make sure that you have a good water based lubricant on hand. While breast feeding (and while any woman has a low sex drive) it's common for sex to be uncomfortable because the vagina doesn't produce as much (or any) natural lubrication for some. It could be as simple as that in some cases. Plus, it makes jacking off so much better too!
I hope I helped some, my next article is about kegel exercises which can help improve blood flow to the pelvic area which in turn helps sex drive as well, so keep an eye for it on Wednesday.
Thanks for your question!
